Christmas was nice. My son and his dad came over to the apartment and we opened presents under the Festivus Pole. I was hoping to see some Feats of Strength, but all they did was accuse each other of being "gay." (For those who are confused by this reference, consult a Seinfeld fan.)
But what was really nice was that after all the presents had been opened, and we were sitting on the floor in my empty, furniture-less living room, I didn't have the usual feeling of "Is that all there is? Why don't I feel happier? It's Christmas!" Instead, I felt contented, and that gray, tired feeling I perpetually have was gone. No, really, I looked for it. It wasn't there. I hate having to admit this, but it seems that after only one week, the Lexapro seems to be doing something.
I went to my first session with the therapist the day after, and he said it sounded right to him. He also said that with a little help, a lot of my negativity would go away. Hmph. We'll see. Still anxious, though. I doubt drugs will do anything for that.
Still depressed about him, though. But it's an acute depression that seems hormonally linked. At least, it better be, because I don't want to start a new semester with this hanging over me. And it didn't help that the guys I was talking to on OKCupid lost interest pretty quickly. However, there are plenty of fish in that pond, so it doesn't bother me too much.
On an unrelated note, I'm writing a service for church. It's about the Penitent Magdalen by Georges de La Tour. I will post it here when it's finished. That's the Unitarian Universalist Church, where we can do a service on just about anything.
I found a cool blog on Lynn Sislo's blog. It's called Cabinet of Wonders. It has the most unusual finds, and not the "Bigfoot Stole My Baby" kind, but unique, off beat items. I really liked the story of the Fairy Door of Grey's Lake. You just have to see for yourself. And Cabinet of Wonders gets added to the blog roll.
The ex-DH told me about OKCupid.com, a free online dating site. Well, he seemed to be doing well, so I gave it a shot.
It's actually a lot of fun, especially if you like taking quizzes and answering questions about yourself. I have spent hours on the site. There are thousands of quizzes, created by the users. You have probably taken a few yourself without even realizing it. Some of the quizzes are very funny, like the Can You Speak Fake German test. Or you can prove something to yourself, like the Worthy Monty Python Fan test (on which I scored a very worthy 84, thank you). Then there are the ones which show how kinky you may or may not be - and no, I'm not telling you how I did.
So, now you want to know, how about that whole dating aspect? Well, after you've answered enough questions, a complex algorithm starts matching you up with other people who've answered in the same way. Then it's up to you what to do with the information.
I'll tell you, it's been a very nice ego-boost. Once I put my picture up, I started getting a few guys wanting to talk to me. It's very nice. However, I have to say that I am leery of any guys who score the same or lower as my husband does in compatibility. And I'm very leery if the "enemy" percentage is the same or higher. Been there and done that. And there are a lot of guys looking for the sweet young things, anyway. I will only attract the ones looking for someone my age, you know, someone with a brain in her head and the ability to carry on a conversation.
My advice to my friends - consider joining, even if it's just to look for penpals. They're on there, too.
UPDATE: Here's my OKCupid profile for those who are curious. I also keep a journal there, too.
Thanks to several commentors, I decided to visit Lee Sandstead's website. Who knew an art historian was allowed to have his own website? I was particularly struck by the gorgeous painting by Bouguereau he has on the main page. Bouguereau was a well-known salon artist in the second half of the 19th century. While he painted many portraits and religious scenes, he has become known more for his voluptuous nudes (as seen by the first painting displayed in the above very nice Wikipedia entry). Anyway, his paintings are rich, luminous, and the last gasp of the realistic painters just before Impressionism and early modern art started to make headway.
As for Lee, I hear he's an Objectivist. I guess that's one reason he finds Bouguereau so attractive. Perhaps he should visit Illustrated Ideas.
Last week I caught a pilot on The Travel Channel called Art Attack (Scroll down to the bottom). Lee Sandstead goes to a museum and picks 4 or 5 pieces and discusses them. In the pilot, he went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NY (my personal favorite) and looked at the Temple of Dendur, The Portrait of Madame X, Washington Crossing the Delaware, and two others I can't for the life of me remember right now. Perhaps that's because he chose interesting pieces that had no link to one another whatsoever.
I'm a big fan of making art accessible to more people. This show seems hell bent on doing that, to the point that Lee Sandstead's style is very "in-your-face": enthusiastic and loud. I can see what they are trying to do, make it more interesting to a younger audience, but I have to say that I prefer Sister Wendy's more reverent, deeply reflective style of discussion. Even so, I hope the show makes it to their regular line-up.
And the name is Dysthymia. I'll let you read it, rather than trying to explain here. Ok? Apparently, I've been depressed most of my life. Hmph. The things you learn when you go see an actual shrink.
I went to him because I just wanted to know why my relationships were so screwed up and why I had problems dealing with people. After an in depth discussion of about 15 minutes, he concluded that I had a "mood disorder" which he called dysthymia. I also have a general anxiety disorder and social phobia. The way he was describing it, I sounded truly f***ed up. But, hey, he gave me drugs, told me to start therapy, and had me make an appointment to see him again in a month.
It was an interesting session. I kind of expected him to tell me there was nothing wrong with me and that I should stop reading all that psycho-babble on the internet. Instead, he asked all the pertinent questions, like whether anyone in my family had some type of mood disorder (my Dad is bi-polar), and how I felt as a child. I was able to point out that I was diagnosed with depression in 5th grade after trying to throw myself down the stairs to avoid going to school. (I was subsequently put into a private school in 7th grade where things changed dramatically for me.) I should have been suspicious when he asked me if I had ever felt happy. Yeah, I felt happy for about two months this summer, and I never knew I could feel that way. Then it was ripped away from me, and I'm more depressed than ever. But the telling thing is that for years before that I would have flashes of feeling happy. Just quick glimpses of what it would feel like, so quick and so unique that I sometimes couldn't put a name to it.
Ok, so now I sound like the most depressing person to be around. Sorry. Honestly, though, I never thought I had it bad. Whenever I think I'm miserable or that life sucks, I remind myself that I have a good life compared to so many people and that I should just shut up and not complain. I really had no idea that I truly was miserable. I have to admit that I did feel that I really was depressed - you know, clinically so - off and on for several years, but I always attributed that to external influences like a deteriorating marriage and mom dying of cancer.
So I have a drug to take. Me, who does not believe in taking drugs just because something bad happened in your life and now you're all depressed about it. You're supposed to just snap out of it, you know. I do hope it works, though, because I'm really sliding down into a deep hole right now that I'm afraid I might not be able to crawl out of.
Wish me luck!
I can't believe it! We (America) will actually get to see Torchwood Season 2 in real time! I saw an ad on BBC America saying it would start on January 26th. Cool! I thought. Then I saw this (via Scifi Signal). Torchwood has only just finished filming, and the UK is getting it in January as well. Oh, VERY cool! If you haven't had the opportunity to catch Torchwood, make an effort. It's the best SF on TV right now (barring Heroes, which I don't watch and therefore cannot make the comparison). See my rave about it here.
Interesting note: BBC Two will be showing a "cleaned-up" family oriented version for their younger viewers. Great, as long as I get to see the adult version.
One other thing: James Marsters, aka Spike of Buffy fame will be appearing. I seriously can't wait. Fire up the DVR, Honey!! I'm watching Torchwood!
Ok, so I really love the graphics and the detail for the website for the Golden Compass movie. Below is my "Daemon," which is actually just a fancy internet quiz. If you know me, answer the question. Or, just guess!
UPDATE: It seems every good Unitarian should go see this movie (if he/she wants to, of course). Bill Donahue of the Catholic League says all good Christians should boycott The Golden Compass because it promotes atheism. The author of the books, Phillip Pullman, says it's about religious intolerance. Sounds to me like it's just another cool fantasy film. I think we all need to see for ourselves.
So I'm supposed to be moving on now. I know it, everyone around me knows it. But my question the last few days has been: what am I moving on to? I have no prospects on the horizon in the area of romance; I have to move back into my house; I'm not terribly fond of this job right now (the people who said teaching is one of the most stressful jobs were right); and my future just looks all around gloomy.
If this had never happened, I would be much better off. That whole "It's better to have loved and lost..." thing is just plain wrong. Once you've loved, you know what you're missing when it's gone. Not that I have never been in love before this, of course. It's just that no one has ever hurt me as much as he did.
So, I put on a brave face - and new make-up and a new hair color - and I face the world everyday pretending I feel better than I do. They say that if you act like you're happy long enough, you will be happy (or something like that). I'm still waiting for that to kick in.
I truly hate this infernal machine. I thought it would be nice to have something portable, which I suppose it is, except that I haven't ported it anywhere. I also thought it would be cool to have a PC for playing certain games and using WORD on, things I cannot do on my iMac. However, this $#@@&% keyboard drives me insane! I am not a great typist at the best of times, and this thing has such a sensitive cursor pad that I am constantly moving the cursor while I type. I cannot tell you how many times I have sent out unfinished emails because the cursor "moved" while I was typing and I didn't notice it in time.
Yes, yes, my soon-to-be ex-husband and all around knowledgeable guy tried to get me to buy an iBook, but it was a) expensive and b) out of stock. Even so, I don't know if this particular problem would be any less apparent.
Either way, my next computer will have an apple on it.
Becki made an interesting comment about an image of the Penitent Magdalen I posted sometime back. She noted that Reni has depicted a couple of mandrake roots on a stone beside her. Well, I had to go and investigate this. I found a very interesting article on the history, myths and legends about the plant. However, after reading that, and digging around some more, I could not find one possible reason for Reni to have put that plant in the painting. Yes, he had some kind of fear of women, but that doesn't seem to relate to his depictions of the Magdalen. The plant is known to have various powers, from an aphrodesiac to helping women in childbirth, to a nasty poison. But I cannot see how any of this relates to the Magdalen, to penitence, or even to prostitution (prostitutes don't need love potions).
The roots beside her certainly seem to be mandrakes. Even so, I also looked around to see if there are ANY herbal roots related to penitence and I found none.
Perhaps Reni included it at the request of the patron, Cardinal Antonio Santacroce, but there is little way of finding that out. I am really stumped on this one. I wish I could provide more information, and I will certainly keep it in mind when next I am searching through my art books. Until then, good luck Becki!