The Department of Agriculture needs to pay me to not grow weeds.
But first, they must help me get rid of the weeds I already have. They do that, and I'll gladly take their money participate in future non-weed-growing programs.
Look, they have more of a budget than I have, and we're all in this together, right? If my property doesn't look good, then America doesn't look good. So they need to come up with the cash in kind payments, or whatever kind of New Dealish title they have for getting me the money improving America's physical image to the world.
Now, we wouldn't want a failed government program, would we? Who benefits from that? So what they have to do is subsidize my purchase of some kind of herbicide. Now, herbicide simply means "weed-killer," and a herbicide is more accurately described, as all experienced gardeners know and as virgin gardeners learn to their dismany, as growth hormone for plants, if not outright plant steroids.
Be that as it may, that is the accepted way of ridding one's plot of unwanted vegetation, so they need to bring it on. Frankly, what they really need to do is fund enough for me to resell it on the black market hold some in reserve for later in the year. So I suggest a variety of chemicals and brand names and media: fluids, powders, pellets, the whole range.
I can in no wise parade as a good citizen and at the same time fail to do my part to strengthen the nation's economy, so I suggest that some manpower help be provided as well. That should not be difficult: one or two weed experts from the Ag Department, augmented by I think no more than five volunteers from AmeriCorps to do the weed-pulling itself, and one to go fetch the beer.
This can't all be done for my own private benefit. That wouldn't be right, in fact it would be outright anti-capitalistic and downright un-American, and I think anyone can see that. Hell, even I can see it, so it must be right. But I can beat this game there's an obvious way to play these suckers solution: ask yourself, what's another use of the word "weed?"
That's right, "weed" is a common street name for marijuana. A drug. An illegal drug, used to enrich all manner of farmers and college students drug lords and narco-terrorists the world over. And that leads me to my next part of the scam patriotic offer:
We'd need some DEA agents and an FBI special agent or two -- surely, any more than a few would attract auditors from the General Accounting Office unwarranted attention from the bad guys -- and a couple of interpreters, including one to go help fetch the beer. We all benefit if we all keep this quiet need to be partners in the War On Terror.
I believe I have demonstrated that if there's a government check to be cashed, I'm on it I'm willing to do my part.
There will be nay-sayers out there, mostly those cranky libertarians and what few fiscal conservatives are left. They will object most vociferously to this, but I'm not swayed by any of their arguments. In fact, they all share the same fallacy, and can be answered with the same argument, to wit:
Why should I be made to go fetch the beer? I have an Ag Department program to run!
Posted by Craig Ceely at September 6, 2004 08:56 PM