The Anger of Compassion

Presidential Race Heats Up Over Rest Room Issue

Campaign 2004 is heating up, and the hottest issue has turned out to be public restrooms.

In what many analysts and pundits see as his most powerful speech to date, President Bush declared:

The terrorists want to attack us because they hate our freedoms. The freedom to vote, the freedom to pay, the freedom to urinate in someone's shop or store without having to buy anything. That is central to our democracy. Don't misunderestimate that.

But we can't afford to surrender our way of life or our freedom. Our new regulations on public restrooms will make sure that never happens. And the new penalties and fines give those regulations real teeth.

In what the White House Press Office claimed was a "complete coincidence," a man wearing a First Amendment t-shirt was arrested when he tried to enter a public restroom during a White House tour.

Democratic candidate Senator John Kerry released a statement which read, in part,

I was opposed to the president's plan when I voted for it in the Senate, which is why I was so enthusiastic about it. The Republicans are simply trying to impugn my patriotism. We cannot cut and run. Make no mistake about that. Hope is on the way.

Unconfirmed rumors continue to circulate that there isn't a dime's worth of difference between the two major parties.

Ralph Nader released a statement which read, "They only care about public rest rooms for the rich. Public restrooms for the rest of us are unsafe. They're only interested in keeping me off the ballots of the fifty states. It's all about me."

Later that day a homeless man, ignoring the "Office Space For Rent" sign on the front door, broke into a Nader campaign office in Bozeman, Montana, to use the men's room. The plumbing was out of order.

Libertarian candidate Michael Badnarik, speaking at the county courthouse in Broken Shovel, Texas, said, "After we tear down the UN building, there will be plenty of spaces for public restrooms in southern Manhattan. Privately owned, of course." The Badnarik campaign later issued a statement saying that the candidate was "kidding." Badnarik, serving a ten day sentence in Broken Shovel for driving without a license, could not be reached for comment.

In a related story, Todd Rodd, an unemployed porn star visiting Badnarik in jail, attempted to use the courthouse men's room in Broken Shovel and is now the Libertarian candidate for governor of California.

UPDATE: Typo corrected, courtesy of Andrea Harris.

Posted by Alexandra at September 5, 2004 02:01 PM