A colleague at work pointed me to this one, which I thought was pretty funny:
School Answering Machine Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To cuss out staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's NOT the teacher's fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort - HANG UP and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!
Well.
It does occur to The Anger of Compassion that teachers and other parasites school officials may not be quite so laudably innocent, and that others may, indeed, have some gripes of their own. For your consideration, then, may we present
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of a homeowner and taxpayer.
In order to assist you in determining just what rung of hell to which you'll be consigned view I hold of the public school nomenklatura establishment, please listen to all options below before making a selection:
If you are calling to explain why principals and directors think they're busier than Bill Clinton in a sorority house fail to return calls--press 1.
If you're calling to explain why you dispense Ritalin like candy medicate as many children as possible for ADHD inside while posting signs outside proclaiming your government indoctrination centers schools to be "Drug Free Zones" -- press 2.
If you are calling to explain why teachers couldn't make the grade at McDonald's fail basic competency exams we expect our eleventh-graders to pass -- press 3.
If you are calling to explain why Mafia-union featherbedding is your organizational model why there are more "administrators" than there are teachers -- press 4.
If you are calling to denounce me as an anti-intellectual, stone-headed troglodyte explain why the NEA's stranglehold over the Democratic Party is good for the country, and anyway there is no such thing -- press 5.
If you are calling to explain why everything has been dumbed down to the conceptual level of paramecia generations ago we taught Greek and Latin in high school and now we have to teach remedial English in our colleges -- press 6.
If you are calling to explain why it is morally acceptable for you to coast enjoy tenure while being paid from money stolen from me to "educate" other people's kids bond issues and property taxes, while I enjoy no such advantages -- press 7.
If you are calling to explain your stark, raving terror opposition to facts of life for everyone else making a living merit pay or competence testing -- press 8.
If you are calling to explain why almost all school textbooks would better serve the community as free, public, toilet paper aren't as interesting as real books, but are used anyway -- press 9.
If you are calling to explain why it's "socialization," and good, if it takes place in a government indoctrination center school, but it's "peer pressure," and bad, if it takes place anywhere else you don't control -- press 0.
If you realize that you benefit as a member of a coercive monopoly cartel, funded by a protection racket, and that it's not MY fault you couldn't get into law school or a good grad school -- HANG UP and HAVE A NICE DAY!
Posted by Craig Ceely at September 26, 2003 09:20 PM